Order Amid Chaos
by lioaska2005
Summary: Its present day and Harry is an Auror with a family. He seems happy but still suffers from dark moods. This story tells a story that is very personal to harry and something he will never want anyone to know. But can he keep the secret?


The charactars are not my own. they belong to the original writer and creator J.K. Rowling

Present day.

His eyes were red, watery and blurry to the point of not being able to focus on anything at all. He was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall and feet pulled up to his chest. He was sobbing and his body was visibly shaking. Harry Potter, the boy who lived, the chosen one put his cold hands on his face to feel the cool radiating from them.

The war was over the world was saved, he lived and everyone was going on with their lives. Everyone except him that is, not him. There still was a war waging in his heart. A painful feeling of loss and being uncompleted, unsettled, lost and unloved. No, not unloved. He was loved.

He called this his dark moments, where he would crumble and fall apart. It usually happened when he was left alone with nothing to do but think. Thinking led to remembering and remembering led to feeling. Those feelings then would overwhelm him and sweep him with pain like a cloak. Once he was covered with this dark moments cloak, it would take a lot to get him out of it. Ginny, his lovely intelligent and ever so caring wife had a hard time getting him out of it. A lot of time she would call Ron, her brother and his best mate to come and snap him out of it. Ron would usually arrive by the flue network right into their fire place in the living room and right behind him would be his other best friend, and Ron's wife Hermione.

"Oi, is he in his mood again?" Ron said standing right in front of the coffee table addressing his sister Ginny.

"Ronald, your in the way let me by!" Hermione irritated voice rang out as she elbowed her way between her husband and the couch effectively pushing him off balance onto the coffee table.

"Watch it!" yelled Ron getting back his balance but Hermione was already out of the living room and in Harry's room crouching in front of him.

"Harry?" she whisper tentatively.

Harry's body stopped shaking and his uneven breathing seem to stop. His eyes focused for the first time today. He looked up into her face, into her eyes and everything come back in place, the veil of the darkness has lifted. His eyes could not move away though, they just took in hers.

"Harry, you need to snap out of it" Ron was saying while trying to lift him by his arm from his right side.

"I'm alright, I'm alright now. " Harry said standing up and enveloping his best mate in a bear hug.

"Glad to hear it, now lets have that butter beer!" replied Ron leading everyone into the living room where they would spend the evening in each others company.

This occurrence was normal, it happened too often, and it almost always ended when everyone was together in the same place. Only Ginny never was able to pull him out of it, Ginny and Ron was able to get him back but it took a while but when everyone was together it only took a minute for everything to be normal again. The others thought that he needed all of them. That they have been through hell together and faced moral danger together that it was necessary for them to show that they were all OK and alive that the danger was over. That everything is as it should be.

O0o HPV o0o

The pain is too much. It hurts deep in the soul, I can't imagine a life with out her. And then I hear her soft whisper and its enough to bring me out of this stupor. All is well, she is alive and in the same room with me. Her eyes are looking right through me strait to my soul and as I get dragged up to a standing position I am grateful to him for taking good care of her and I give him a hug. She smiles at me and that smile makes me happy. No more pain, I feel loved because those eyes and that smiles tells me that I am loved.

She loves me. I know it, because she told me so. She, Hermione , my best friend and wife of my other best friend told me so. NO, it is not how you think! No she is not cheating on her husband with me! NO, such inappropriate actions have taken place or will take place! NO, I will not allow it. It can't happen. Yet, the feelings are there. They are there both ways. Yes, I am in love with her. Yes I have told her. Yes, she feels the same. Yet, it is not that simple you see. We all were best friends when we were young and I loved her the moment I have met her on the train. Back then I was not ready in my youth to recognize the feeling and I was unable to vocalize it. I realize now that it was only through my actions that I was able to show it. Anyway, I was new to the wizarding world and found out a lot about myself in a short period of time, during I also found that I was not meant to lead a normal life and that the people close to me would be in danger. By that time the tree of us, Ron, Hermione and I were inseparable. Ron confessed to me that he fancied Hermione, and I trying to be a best mate did not say a thing liking her too. To me it was a sacrifice I needed to make, and who better to like her then my best mate. I stayed out of it, thinking that the feelings that I started to recognize as a crush would pass. That in the long run it was better to keep my distance, to keep her safe. As time would go on and Ron was being thick making stupid choices that would end up hurting Hermione, I wanted to be there for her and I also wanted to kick Ron's ass but settled just for being there for her. It was selfish decisions, I wanted to be with her and it made her feel better. The feelings just grew and started to get out of control.

It was the night that Gryffindor won the quidditch game and Ron decided that it was okay for him to snog Lavender Brown in the common room even though he 'fancied Hermione' that it first started. I was looking at him snogging her face off and I felt happy because maybe just maybe he didn't fancy her. My feelings went from happiness to hope and I left the common room in my selfish desire for her. When I realized that she was hurt by Ron, it just made everything hopeless again. She really cared for him, and my hopes came crushing down. Hopefully I was able to hide my feelings from her in the ruse that I was upset that Ginny was with Dean. I realized that I had unrequited love for her. She did not feel anything but friendship for me. I wanted to kill Ron for making her feel this way. How could he hurt her like this? Our friendship was the only bright spot in my life, she was always there for me, with school stuff and the battle against the Dark Lord. Her cleverness got me out of too many tight spots and her presence kept me going. It gave me reason for waking up in the morning and fighting another day. I was willing to die for her. She became everything to me and I no longer cared how long my looks toward her would last, how close we sat, how our hugs would be just too long and my hands lingering just a bit too much. Eventually, I realized that she too, would hug just a bit too tight and sit too close lingering just too long.

One day during our Christmas holidays from the Auror training we were sharing another hug. Her hand sneaked into my hair from the back up past my neck which gave me a shiver. She knotted her fingers in my hair and turned her head in a way that her lips were against my neck. I could feel her breath warming my neck which resulted in me leaning into her pulling her close. Feeling her body against me resulted in immediate and undeniable arousal, which she felt. There was no hiding now. My body took over and I pushed her against the nearest wall, pressing her back into it with my hands on both sides or her body blocking her in. I looked her in the eyes and froze. Realization of what I have just done hit me. Merlin, I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to press my self against her to feel her curves. I couldn't do that. I couldn't. I just looked at her, felt her breath coming in short and fast, a frantic rhythm that matched my own. Looking at her with out saying a word I tried to communicate to her what I felt, I pleaded with my eyes for her to understand. It would have been so easy just to kiss her but I did not want to cross a line that could never be undone.

She did it for me. Her eyes said everything I needed to know and her lips did the confirming. She kissed me. It was a fiery kiss that left me wanting for more. I stepped away then, saying her name softly, "Hermione?" asking her for what? I did not know."Harry, I love you." I got my answer. She said it so simply as if it was a fact that was undeniable, and inevitable. I let out a gasp of air and leaned in to kiss her. I have died and gone to heaven. Her lips were soft and pliable and opened for me to deepen the kiss. I ran my hand in her hair and gripped it tight, pulling her head a bit sideways along the wall away from my face breaking the kiss. Her eyes snapped open wide alarmed, now staring at me. "I feel the same, but this can not be. Nothing can change, I can't and will not put you in danger" I told her almost in a Snape-like monotone. " Ron would not understand..." Her eyes closed and she leaned her head backwards against the wall her face looking upwards exposing her chin and neck in the process.

My lips could not resit tracing the jaw line to her ear, placing a final kiss in her pulse point on her neck and whispering "Forgive me." I stepped back away from her letting the distance between us and our body's give us some clarity of mind. It took a whole minute of her standing there against the wall with her eyes closed. A long minute that seemed to stretch out into infinity. It did not help that I was holding my breath which I did not even realized that I was doing. Finally, she moved off the wall straitening her robes and looked at me saying " I understand. I'm here for you anyway you want me." She then reached out with her right hand to touch my left arm to give me a squeeze much like the ones she has given me countless of times whenever I needed reassurance. I was finally able to take a breath. She smiled at me and I smiled back.

))o0o((


End file.
